“Everything happens for a reason”

People often use ‘everything happens for a reason’ as a comforting way of justifying when crappy things happen to us. But on the flip side it can suggest that I am deserving of every little bit of the shitty life I have been dealt. After all.. it’s happening for a reason?.. and.. that, in turn, is doing nothing short of making me hate myself.

Do I feel so unhappy that I wake up crying wishing it was all over? No, of course I don’t. I can recognise what I have and I am grateful. But I’m completely apathetic, melancholy at best. Totally unsatisfied, unenthused and permanently terrified that this is all that life has in store for me. Is this it now? Will forever just be this constant state of ‘Meh’?

I desperately want to fall in love. It upsets me to my core that I don’t even remember what it feels like to say ‘I love you’ to someone. Life is a vicious cycle of first dates and false starts. I like people, of course I do. But they leave, or change, or scheme, or just absolutely blindside me. Yet still I put myself out there, just with a little less hope and a little more sadness each time.

How can falling in love ever feel like falling when you’ve rehearsed and practised and failed so many times before? It’s starting to feel like more of a performance and I know how this show ends before it’s even begun.

I am lonely. I don’t quite have the balls to say that a lot of the time. But loneliness is like a disease. It starts just infecting you when you’re physically along and then, before you know it, it’s attacking you even in a room full of people. It makes connections feel futile, fake and distant. Because you know at the end of the night it’s still just you and a meal for one. Seeing friends and seeing family for a few hours doesn’t dull that ache. The disease has a hold of you and the more you try to remedy it the more of your life it infects. Suddenly loneliness impacts your work life, you friendships and absolutely your dating life.. let me tell you how..

If someone doesn’t message me frequently enough I question our compatibility on the basis that I know I am riddled with loneliness. Having someone’s presence only 50% or 60% of the time might hurt me more than not having it at all. Make that make sense!?